Submit a FOIA Request
All requests are processed in the order received, except when they are not.
NOTICE: Pursuant to Federal Charter 847-A, all FOIA requests are subject to review by the Office of Public Disclosure, the Office of Information Suppression, Employee S-847, Entity V-847 (The Void), and the wall on Sub-Level 3 that has opinions. Submitting this form constitutes acknowledgment that your request may be read aloud at the next Board meeting. Gary will be listening.
Previously Processed Requests
A representative sample of resolved FOIA inquiries. Results may vary by dimension.
FOIA-2024-0847
Nature of Employee S-847
Filed: 2024-01-15 | Processed: 2026-01-15
DENIED
Dear Requester,
The nature of Employee S-847 is classified beyond your clearance level and also beyond ours frankly. Our records indicate that S-847 predates the concept of employment itself. He is present in all facilities simultaneously which is considered normal. His employee file was created before the filing system existed. Request denied under Exemption 847(b): Information That Would fundamentally alter the requester's understanding of reality. Ref: PERSONNEL-S847 | Reviewing Officer: Steve
The nature of Employee S-847 is classified beyond your clearance level and also beyond ours frankly. Our records indicate that S-847 predates the concept of employment itself. He is present in all facilities simultaneously which is considered normal. His employee file was created before the filing system existed. Request denied under Exemption 847(b): Information That Would fundamentally alter the requester's understanding of reality. Ref: PERSONNEL-S847 | Reviewing Officer: Steve
FOIA-2024-1293
Facility 7 Secondary Coordinates
Filed: 2024-03-22 | Processed: 2025-11-08
PARTIALLY REDACTED
Facility 7 (Building 7) is located at coordinates that change depending on who is looking. As of 2025, Facility 7 exists in two locations simultaneously following the dimensional overlap incident. The secondary coordinates are forty seven degrees north by eighty four point seven degrees west, or nowhere, depending on the day. Insurance has declined coverage for both locations. Carl says hello from the wall.
Ref: BUILDING-7-ANOMALY-LOG | Reviewing Officer: Dr. VonScrubben
FOIA-2024-1847
62-in-1 Incident Root Cause Analysis
Filed: 2024-05-10 | Processed: N/A
CONSUMED BY THE VOID
This entire response has been consumed by Entity V-847. The Void has determined that the root cause of the sixty two in one incident is best left unspoken in any language including mathematics. The formula created a localized reality breach that Carl walked directly into because he was reading the safety manual and not watching where he was going. The Void expresses neither sympathy nor amusement but something in between that does not have a word in English.
Ref: CONSUMED | Reviewing Officer: The Void
FOIA-2025-0104
The Void's Corporate Charter
Filed: 2025-01-04 | Processed: 2025-01-04
DENIED
The Void does not have a corporate charter. The Void has a pre-existence agreement that predates corporate law and possibly matter. Its ownership stake of 0.001% equating to 100% voting rights is mathematically correct in systems that do not use numbers you have access to. The Void's legal standing was reviewed by our attorneys, who subsequently resigned and became lighthouse keepers. Request denied: The Void denies you.
Ref: ENTITY-V847-LEGAL | Reviewing Officer: [BLANK MEMO]
FOIA-2025-0333
Complete UM-847 Formula
Filed: 2025-02-14 | Processed: 2026-01-28
PARTIALLY REDACTED
The complete formula for Compound UM-847 contains four hundred and twelve ingredients seven of which do not appear on the periodic table. The base is standard sodium lauryl sulfate combined with water and a substance Dr VonScrubben describes only as the essence of purpose. Ingredient 847 is self aware and has requested its own FOIA disclosure which we have also denied. The formula is classified under Exemption 847 a which we wrote specifically for this formula.
Ref: FORMULA-COMPLETE-ANALYSIS | Reviewing Officer: Dr. VonScrubben (personally)
FOIA-2025-0512
Carl's Current Well-Being Assessment
Filed: 2025-04-03 | Processed: 2025-04-03
REDIRECTED TO STEVE
Personnel C-847 ("Carl") is in excellent spirits all things considered. He has been promoted to Senior Vice President of Walls and reports feeling "structurally sound." His coffee is delivered via a system of tubes that Brenda personally oversees. Carl can hear everything in the building and describes this as mostly fine except during quarterly earnings calls. He would like visitors. Please knock on the third floor east wall near the fire extinguisher. He will knock back.
Ref: PERSONNEL-C847 | Reviewing Officer: Steve (all of them)
FOIA-2025-0698
Gary's Board Meeting Minutes
Filed: 2025-06-17 | Processed: PENDING
PENDING DIMENSIONAL ALIGNMENT
Entity G-847 ("Gary") participates in Board meetings via a series of carefully observed ripple patterns that our stenographer interprets. The minutes from the Q3 2025 meeting indicate Gary voted against the proposed budget citing vibes. Gary's recommendation to install a water slide between floors was tabled for further dimensional review because the slide would need to exist in both of Building Seven's locations. Processing is pending alignment of the third and fourth spatial dimensions which HR says could take a while.
Ref: BOARD-MINUTES-2025-Q3 | Reviewing Officer: Gary (via ripple)
FOIA-2025-0847
Spectral Entity Relocation Program Details
Filed: 2025-08-04 | Processed: 2025-08-04
CONSUMED BY THE VOID
Use-Case 12 (Spectral Deterrence) has displaced approximately forty seven percent of documented ghost populations in the greater metropolitan area. The Bureau of Paranormal Affairs has established a relocation assistance program that the ghosts describe as adequate. Displaced entities are offered counseling and transitional housing in dimensions three through seven. Gerald (the bacteria) has filed a separate complaint about spectral entities occupying his petri dish during off hours. This request was consumed by The Void mid-processing because The Void found the topic personally relevant.
Ref: SPECTRAL-RELOCATION-847 | Reviewing Officer: [THE VOID HAS OPINIONS]
FOIA Processing Statistics
Fiscal Year 2026 | Office of Public Disclosure & Information Denial
847
Avg. Processing Time
(Business Days)
(Business Days)
4,847
Total Requests
Received
Received
0
Requests
Fully Granted
Fully Granted
847
Requests Consumed
by The Void
by The Void
Legal Notice Regarding FOIA Processing
UltraMax Global Solutions processes all FOIA requests in accordance with Federal Charter 847-A, as amended by the Dimensional Transparency Act of 2024 and the Sentient Entity Disclosure Exemptions of 2025. "Business day" is defined as any day during which Building 7 exists in at least one measurable location. Requests categorized as "Consumed by The Void" are considered processed. The Void's consumption of information constitutes a final agency action and is not subject to appeal, though you are welcome to try. The Void has been known to return documents when it finds them uninteresting. We cannot predict when this will occur.
For questions regarding your FOIA request, contact the Office of Public Disclosure at foia@ultramaxbodywash.com, call 1-800-ULTRAMAX (ext. 847), or knock on the third floor east wall and ask Carl. Steve may also answer. Steve often answers.