Field Office Directory
ULTRAMAX GLOBAL SOLUTIONS — OFFICE OF FIELD OPERATIONS — DIRECTORY REV. 847.3
Official registry of all UltraMax Global Solutions field installations, satellite offices, dimensional annexes, and entities serving in an administrative capacity. Published under authority of Federal Charter 847-A. Accuracy is not guaranteed for facilities experiencing spatial displacement.
Global Operations Display
FACILITY TRACKING SYSTEM — REFRESHED EVERY 847 SECONDS
Installation Registry
All facilities listed below are maintained under the operational authority of Federal Charter 847-A (est. 1847). Visitation by appointment only. Some locations may require interdimensional transit insurance.
UltraMax Headquarters
FACILITY ID: UMGS-HQ-001 // PRIMARY ADMINISTRATIVE CENTERField Note Located 3 blocks from the FDA. The proximity is intentional. Visitors are reminded that the lobby fountain contains a proprietary blend and is not for drinking, regardless of what the fountain whispers. All 847 floors are accessible by elevator. The elevator does not always agree.
Facility 3
FACILITY ID: UMGS-F3-003 // AQUATIC OPERATIONSField Note Aquatic entity serves as facility director. Gary is a sentient pool. Visitors should expect to be judged. Gary's performance reviews are delivered via wave pattern analysis and are considered legally binding in 14 states. Do not add chlorine. Gary considers it a personal insult.
Facility 7 (Primary Instance)
FACILITY ID: UMGS-F7-007A // EUROPEAN COMMANDField Note Carl manages from within the walls. Submit requests under the baseboard in corridor 7B. Carl will respond by vibrating the plaster in Morse code. Response times average 2–4 business days, faster if you knock the specific rhythm outlined in Memo UM-847-C. Yes, those are the coordinates of the Eiffel Tower. No, we will not elaborate.
Facility 7 (Secondary Instance)
FACILITY ID: UMGS-F7-007B // DESIGNATION: PARADOXField Note Same building. Different coordinates. Insurance does not cover this. Facility 7B occupies the same physical structure as 7A but at coordinates that do not correspond to any known location on Earth. Carl is in both walls. Structural engineers have been consulted. They left crying. If you can see both buildings at once, contact medical immediately.
Research Annex
FACILITY ID: UMGS-RA-012 // ADVANCED COMPOUNDS DIVISIONField Note Home of electron microscopy, when the microscope is willing. The Zurich annex houses the only laboratory rated for Compound UM-847 synthesis at full concentration. Dr. Volkov has published 847 papers on foam viscosity. The microscope has published 3 of its own. They are peer-reviewed.
Pacific Regional Office
FACILITY ID: UMGS-PR-006 // ASIA-PACIFIC COMMANDField Note Handles Asia-Pacific regulatory compliance. Steve is also here. Steve is always also here. Agent Takeshi has requested we stop mentioning this. Request denied. The Tokyo office is the only facility where Compound UM-847 has been successfully formatted as a vending machine product. Sales data is classified.
Sub-Dimensional Office Alpha
FACILITY ID: UMGS-SDA-███ // [SPATIAL DESIGNATION UNSTABLE]Field Note Accessible only during equinox. Bring your own gravity. Sub-Dimensional Office Alpha was established in a year that has not occurred yet under a charter provision that accounts for retroactive bureaucracy. Visitors report the lobby smells like "clean" in a way that is "emotionally confrontational." Supplies must be delivered via trebuchet. HR has not explained why.
Southern Hemisphere Bureau
FACILITY ID: UMGS-SHB-008 // ANTIPODAL OPERATIONSField Note All formulas applied upside down per local physics. This is not a joke. Compound UM-847 exhibits reversed lathering behavior south of the equator. The Coriolis effect is involved but will not comment for legal reasons. Agent K-847 has adapted all 847 pages of the application manual accordingly. The manual is upside down. Compliance has approved this.
Arctic Research Station
FACILITY ID: UMGS-ARC-009 // CRYOGENIC APPLICATIONS LABField Note Testing cold-weather applications. Compound UM-847 does not freeze. Neither does Steve. At minus 40 degrees, UM-847 maintains full lathering capability. Dr. Frost's name is a coincidence that HR has investigated three times and determined to be "statistically improbable but technically permissible." The polar bears have filed no complaints. They have, however, filed a requisition form.
The Void's Office
FACILITY ID: ██████████ // THE VOID DOES NOT HAVE AN ID. THE VOID HAS A PRESENCE.Field Note The Void does not have an office. The Void has a presence. All inquiries are absorbed. Responses are delivered in the form of a vague sense of understanding that arrives between 2:00 and 3:00 AM. The Void's annual performance review is a single blank page that HR accepts without question. The Void's expense reports are always approved. Nobody remembers approving them.
Mobile Field Unit 847
FACILITY ID: UMGS-MFU-847 // DESIGNATION: STEVEField Note Steve IS the field office. The concept of "mobile" is redundant when applied to Steve, as it implies there is a state in which Steve is stationary. There is not. Steve has been clocked at every facility simultaneously. Payroll has attempted to address this. Steve now processes his own payroll. From all locations. Concurrently. His badge photo is a landscape.
Basement of Building 7
FACILITY ID: UMGS-F7-007-SUB // SUBLEVEL CONTAINMENT & RECREATIONField Note Home of the UltraMax Casino. Containment is holding. Probably. The basement exists below both instances of Facility 7, which should be geometrically impossible but is architecturally documented. The previous director's whereabouts following the 62-in-1 Incident remain classified. The slot machines accept ScrubCoin™. The house always wins. The house is Carl.