UltraMax Extreme 15-in-1 Bodywash
The Only Product You'll Ever Need... Probably.
Tired of a cluttered shower? Overwhelmed by choice? Introducing the one-bottle revolution that does everything. And we mean *everything*. From washing your hair to negotiating peace treaties, UltraMax has your back.
Unleash the Power!15 Superpowers in One Bottle
One Bottle. Infinite Uses. Questionable Life Choices.
Body Wash
The one thing it was actually designed for. It's pretty good at it.
Shampoo
Cleans your hair with the power of a thousand suns.
Conditioner
Leaves hair feeling... present. And surprisingly manageable.
Face Wash
For a face so clean, your own phone's facial recognition won't know you.
Shaving Gel
So smooth, your razor will weep with joy. Or rust. 50/50.
Toothpaste
Your breath will be... memorable. Your dentist will be confused.
Car Wash
Removes dirt, grime, and the manufacturer's original paint job.
Dish Soap
That lasagna pan doesn't stand a chance. Neither does the pan.
Pet Shampoo
Your dog will be clean, but he may develop an existential crisis.
Plant Fertilizer
Your ficus will either grow to the size of a redwood or simply quit.
Coffee Creamer
A bold flavor to start your day. And possibly end it. (DO NOT EAT IT)
Ghost Repellent
We have no evidence this works, but ghosts also hate being clean.
Memory Wiper
Forgot what you came in the room for? A quick sniff will clear that right up. And your other memories, too.
Guitar Polish
Your guitar will have a shine that's almost as loud as its feedback.
Robot Lubricant
Keeps your household android running smoothly. Or causes it to question its existence.
What's Inside? (Top Secret Formula)
A scientifically questionable blend of things we found lying around the lab.
Disclaimer: This product is entirely fictional. Do not attempt to create or use. Side effects may include spontaneous tap-dancing, a sudden craving for pineapple pizza, and the ability to speak to squirrels.
Unbiased Reviews from Real People*
"I washed my minivan with it and it turned into a sports car. My commute has never been more exciting. Or terrifying."
"Used it as shaving cream. My beard is gone, which is great. So is my reflection. Less great."
"My dog won't stop quoting Shakespeare after I gave him a bath with this. It's impressive, but also very judgmental."
"I used it to clean my gutters. Now they're not only clean, they're broadcasting free satellite TV from a dimension where everyone has lobster claws for hands. The shows are weirdly compelling."
"I'm a ghost. I was haunting my apartment peacefully until my roommate bought this. The smell alone was enough to make me rethink my life choices and pass on to the next realm. 1 star. Too effective."
"Tried it as toothpaste. My teeth are so white they now function as high-beams. Driving at night is an issue for oncoming traffic, but I'm saving a fortune on lightbulbs."
"My house plants have formed a union and are demanding better working conditions. They also grew tiny, leafy arms and are asking for the Wi-Fi password. I'm scared. But they've never looked healthier!"
"I accidentally spilled some on my homework, and it solved all the calculus problems on its own. It got a B+. The professor said the logic was 'unconventional and slightly alarming'."
*People may or may not be from this dimension.
Frequently Asked Questions
We operate in a legal gray area that we prefer to call 'innovative chemistry'.
Absolutely not. The bottle alone has more power than a small jet engine.
Don't. Just... don't. The universal balance is fragile.
The "Buy Now" button is more of a leap of faith. Click it and see what happens. We dare you.
A Serious Disclaimer (For Once)
This entire webpage is a parody. UltraMax Extreme 15-in-1 Bodywash does not exist. Please do not use your regular bodywash to clean your car, fertilize your plants, or communicate with otherworldly beings. Be safe, have a laugh, and for the love of all that is clean, use products as they are intended.